A Cartoon's Zombie Survival Guide
by Yellowfur
Summary: Twoshot Can be killed by removing the head or destroying the brain...


**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the cartoons used within. This is usually the part where people start screaming.**

**This was supposed to be a Halloween fic, but obviously, I didn't finish it in time and I was too lazy to put it up for a little while afterwards. Like my other fic _Cycle_, it's a "two-shot": two chapters because it's too long for one chapter and doesn't call for more than two. **

**Anyways, it's about zombies attacking some of your favorite cartoon characters and how they would react. It's partially based on Max Brooks' _The Zombie Survival Guide_, and from that, I have sections for different ways to handle a zombie attack depending on your situation. It gets a little gruesome, but I could make it a lot worse... and I probably will for the second and last chapter. **

**Every group of characters gets two scenes, one per chapter. Two groups are restricted to their own TV show or movie. The other two groups are "variety packs". **

**I know the "stats" thing at the top of every scene with the time and location may seem a bit... crude, but I thought it fit. Bear with me, please.**

**And one more thing: please, I'm asking you, do not ask me if I can use someone else from your favorite cartoon instead of Kakashi. Do not complain that no one knows who Tohya Miho is. Do not say you think Sokka is stupid. There are a bunch of characters, and there's someone for everybody. You don't need to know who every character is.**

**Thank you for your time.**

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**SOMEWHERE NEAR THE EDGES OF NEVADA**

**Lincolnville**

**Thursday, March 27****th****, 2008**

**10:22 A.M.**

**Nearest Undead: 33 Feet Away (High Danger Level)**

"Do you hear that?" Double D asked, turning his head casually to the window. He wouldn't be able to see it out of it, though; it was thickly padded and locked. When unlocked, it could go up and down like a normal window, but there was no getting through this padding from the outside (Double D had a clever trick for removing it on the inside. He was the one who made the dense, pillow-like layers). But the locks were so intricate and heavy that it was less trouble to just sit and use your ears and imagination to make out what was going on outside.

"Ohhh my freakin'…" Eddy mumbled, getting up from a nap. He, Double D, and Ed had forced their bodies into a special schedule that had sleep for small periods two or three times throughout the day (at their current location, this was just near necessity for survival).

Ed was snoring away, until Eddy hit him. "OH MYGOD, Lumpy, WAKE UP!"

Ed sprang up like a diving board. "Coffee butter?!"

Double D, perfectly punctual and awake, shook his head. "No, Ed. You know that coffee will do more harm than good. Have tea instead."

Ed looked hungrily at Double D's red tee.

Eddy yanked on a yellow polo from three stacks of them that must've each been as tall as he was. Washing clothes in their current situation was inconvenient, so they stocked up. "Do I hear WHAT?" He almost spat at Double D. Eddy was always impatient, but this had been magnified by all the stress said current situation was pressing on them lately. And in his opinion, hearing something, unless it was the jingle of coins in your pocket, was not worth waking up for.

Eddy cocked an eyebrow and turned his head to the window just as DD had. Many sounds filled his ears: clicks, clacks, scrapes, laughs, chatter, an 'ouch', and (farther in the background) moans.

Now looking angry, Eddy stumbled over organized (courtesy of Double D) sets of weapons and supplies. On one side, there were dozens of canned rations, dry packaged foods, cans of soda, bottles of water, packets of powdered vitamin drinks, batteries in almost every size, two extra flashlights, a small spare radio, thick spare blankets, and gallon jugs of water. On the opposite side, near Double D, were the following tools of defense: one rapier (none of them knew how to use one, though), two katanas and two machetes, a shovel, a chainsaw, three pistols, three shotguns, a sniper rifle, a pair of assault rifles, PLENTY of ammunition, a tazer, a baseball bat, a baseball bat with a nail on the end, what appeared to be a pair of brass knuckles with a sharp stake-like metal spike on one end, a few hand grenades, and even more weapons unnamed. But Eddy ignored all this and headed straight for the locks on the thick window. After spending about ten seconds flipping through chains and bolts, Eddy pushed up the heavy glass with a grunt and addressed the sources of the noises outside (except for the groans, but that will be addressed in just a moment). "HEY! WHAT THE _HELL_ ARE YOU DOING?! GET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE, _AGAIN_, AND TAKE YOUR FRIGGIN' SKATEY WHATEVERS WITH YOU!" Eddy looked at Double D, who was frantically waving his arms up and down and sticking his finger in front of his gap-tooth-clad mouth, trying to signal Eddy to be quiet. "AND BE QUIET ABOUT IT!"

"YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!" Was the mock reply he heard. Eddy grimaced as he saw some (hideously annoying) short blonde boy in a red cap waving his skateboard at Eddy. "MEH!"

As the other three laughed, Eddy turned around and eyed a pistol, until Double D raised an eyebrow at him. Eddy rolled his eyes in response and turn to yell at the hooligans some more.

But then Eddy smiled (not in front of Double D, though; he get angry if he knew that Eddy was smiling at what was about to take place). _Yelling is sooo unnecessary right now._

Eddy's grin widened a bit as another taller boy in wannabe-hip-hop clothing looked at the zombie, which had now come right up to them. The zombie was very fat, with short brown hair, crooked glasses, green pants, and a white button-down shirt. An awkward moan escaped his open mouth. "UUUuuuHHnn…"

Eddy closed the window, and then leaned back on the closed window, choosing to rely on his ears to give him all the information on the scene outside.

"Dude. Poke it."

"Who, me? Pfft, yeah right. I know all sorts of crap about the Solanum virus. You poke it." This was a new voice.

"Yo, I'm NOT gonna poke it! He should poke it." That was the first voice.

"UUUUuuuuhhhhnnn…" The zombie (one would hope).

"No way! If he pokes it, I'm the one in trouble." A girl's voice.

"Oh! I'll poke it!" The hideously annoying one's voice.

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!"

"Then if you're going to get in trouble anyway, you poke it."

"Why the hell do any of you want to poke it anyway?!" The last one's voice.

"Okay, wait. Dude, I'll poke it, you film it."

"Okay. But do it right now."

"Why right now?"

"Because it's about to-"

"Scene!" Eddy proudly stated.

"It's like a movie!" Ed exclaimed.

"Why do you enjoy this?!" Double D looked paler than usual. His skin color turned at the sounds of shrieks, shouts, cries, rips, gushing noises, cracks, moans, and chewing.

And after a couple minutes of those noises, and the sound of someone running away, Eddy got up and looked out the window. "Okay… looks like, uh, not many body parts left. We don't even need to 'finish any jobs' today." He made air quotes around 'finish any jobs'. "Ed, go down and check the pockets and take that camera. While you're at it- oh _shit_, one of them is still alive." Eddy looked at Double D. "It's your turn!"

"No!" Double D insisted. "It's yours, Eddy!" He adjusted his hat in his nervousness. When he or Eddy 'finished the job' it meant the gruesome act of putting some poor soul who had been half-eaten and somehow was still alive out of their misery (only they did it, Ed's methods of warding off zombies, unless there were many of them, were usually trying to pull their brains out through then nose or ears. You can see the problem with this method). They had probably found some way to destroy the head or brain of a zombie soon enough to prevent immediate death, but not soon enough to be in good enough condition to run away. The worst part of that being that you would be a stumbling dead body within twenty-four hours.

Double D sighed and interrupted right before he could go into a rant. "It doesn't make a difference, remember? We hacked away at the stairs three days ago, remember?"

"That was fun!" Ed pondered on the fond memories of him being told to use the stairs as a scratching post for his head. He wasn't sure why, but it was a grand treat.

"Oh right… damn. Use the sniper rifle."

This time Double D didn't argue. Eddy got up to use the toilet, the only one upstairs. After he did his business, he flushed. Or, he _tried_ to.

"UH…" he shouted from the bathroom. "WON'T FLUSH!"

Double D came in, Ed followed. Double D tinkered around the handle and lifted up the top and peered inside. He checked behind the porcelain bowl to see behind it. After the quick inspection, Double D lifted himself up and sighed. "Water's been cut off."

Eddy nodded. "We knew that was gonna happen."

"But why so soon?" Double D adjusted his hat again. "We only fully set up defense a week ago!"

Eddy shrugged and left the room to go turn on the portable TV.

Ed looked at the toilet. "Is it gonna eat our brains, too?!" The symptoms of the Solanum virus, the virus that turned humans into zombies, still confused Ed and he didn't know when to assume something was going to become reanimated or not.

"No, Ed. _It_ won't." Double D sighed for what felt like the millionth time that week and left the room, picking up a sniper rifle, reminded that he a job to finish.

* * *

**CENTRAL COLORADO**

**Hemmingway**

**Costco**

**Friday, March 28****th****, 2008**

**5:48 A.M.**

**Nearest Undead: 3.6 Miles Away (Danger Level: Moderate)**

The floors and window-less walls were cement in the humongous store (about 90,000 square feet). The store stocked about twenty-five times any item you could think of that a normal food store would have. Not only that, but a vast selection of makeup, blankets, clothing, packages, TVs, small appliances and other consumer goods.

There must've been ten different entrances, each of which had its own heavy metal sheet-like door pulled down over it, and packages of heavy perishable goods in tightly plastic-wrapped humongous wooden crates were enforcing each entrance's shield.

In the exact center of the supermarket was a small group of select people. One was Kakashi Hatake- a man with wild gray hair and his face completely covered (except for his eye) in a navy blue mask. He had written something down on a notepad and was checking things off with a cheap Costco pen. "Water in all three stations? Zolo?"

"Check," Zolo, a slightly younger man, with three swords at his side and short green hair, answered. "Central, left, and right. At least ten gallons each."

"Okay. Canned food? Ami and Yumi"  
"Check!" The next to answer, Ami, was a peppy, hot-pink-haired girl. Her purple-haired friend, Yumi, was too busy scowling to do so.

"Packaged non-perishables?"

"Done," AJ, a small, round-headed, African-American boy in a sweater vest answered proudly.

"Yes…" Said another voice next to him, a small green alien with huge magenta eyes and clawlike hands. "Your better-than-masked-man should-be LEADERRRRR…" He came dangerously close to an unflinching Kakashi's face. "…has MADE SURE that your snacks are in _eaaaach _base in this hideous food city."

"Listen… Zim…" Kakashi started in a quiet tone. "I know the past two days have been very… stressful situations for all of us, but I'm sure you understand the importance of not causing an uproar." He put the notepad on a countertop that used to hold free samples when people were flowing freely in and out the store. "Losing our presence of mind is not something we can afford to do now."

"Can we _ever_?" Yumi asked.

"No," Zolo snapped. "The captain of my crew lost his wits. Or, what little wits he had. Next day I'm jumping off a boat in the middle of the night, miles from shore, to escape a boat full of zombies. And then I still had to travel on foot."

"It's a good thing you didn't have to swim the whole time you were in the ocean, right?" That was AJ.

"… I _did_."

"But wait… this still sucks…" Yumi spoke up again. "We have no weapons. This bites the big one."

"Welllll, I'm sure we have _something_…" Ami soothed her friend.

"She's right," Kakashi nodded. "We have hammers and other useful little bludgeons… like…"

"Crowbars and axe handles!" AJ said helpfully. "And axes themselves will work pretty well."

"True."

"If you have let me bring GIR along, we WOULDNN_NN_N'T even have to deal with these _menial_ _tasks_ of moving things!" Zim shouted. But at this point, it seemed easier to everyone just to ignore him.

"Not to mention all the knives and power tools this store also comes equipped with," Zolo added. Then he looked around in thought as he leaned against a wooden crate with his hands behind his head in a 'total relaxation' position. "Wow, this store is really good for this kind of situation."

"Which is why I picked it," Kakashi agreed. "I gathered up a group of survivors that seemed to need a place to go and came here."

Yumi's scowl deepened as she and Ami took a seat on the same crate Zolo was leaning against. "Well, it wouldn't have killed you to help us out with Kaz!" She was referring to her and Ami's greedy but beloved manager, Kaz (they were professional musicians).

"Actually, it might have indeed killed him," AJ mentioned, but nobody bothered to pay attention to him.

Kakashi sighed. "You know there was nothing I could do. After you get the Solanum virus, there's nothing anyone can do but destroy the head and dispose of the body."

"Ever heard of a proper burial? Or RESPECT or COMPASSION?!" She shouted.

Ami, who had before looked like she was going to have Yumi quiet down, now looked just slightly ticked off. "She does have a point, you know. You weren't exactly trying to see things from our point of view or something."

"And I apologize. It was a bad move. But the important thing, then and now, is survival. We have to get through this." He sat himself on the ground. "You heard the radio this morning. It's gotten bad enough that they're calling forces from outside of the area where this town we found ourselves is in."

"We SO shouldn't have put this town on our tour schedule," Yumi muttered to Ami.

"So what else did they say on the radio?" Ami asked. "Did they say anything about coming to rescue this town?"

Kakashi shook his head. "It's one of the last on their list. This section of the United States is the hardest hit for this Solanum outbreak. And believe it or not, since we're right in the thick of it, we're considered lucky that only half the town has been affected." He paused. "The news report said that in a Nevada town four youths were found dead."

"Wow. Four? Just for this morning?" AJ asked as Zolo cracked open a small water bottle.

"Youths?" Ami cringed.

"This is becoming a normal morning news report. We may not like each other, at least not yet, and maybe not ever, but fighting and rebelling is _not_ an option."

"Fine," Yumi shrugged as she responded to a statement that could be critical to her survival as if someone had just asked her if she minded a different kind of ice cream in her sundae than what she usually wanted.

"Yeah! We're like anti-zombie vigilantes!" Ami squealed. "Like in a movie!"

"Hey, I'm not about to rebel." Zolo said. "And what Yumi said is right; this sucks. But I'm not about to curl up in the fetal position and die. I still have things to do with my life."

"I'm willing to get through this with you guys!" AJ said. "But I have two questions."

"Go ahead," Kakashi responded.

"One- Where's Zim?"

"Ugh, who cares anymore?" Yumi rolled her eyes.

Zolo laughed. "Seriously."

"We should at least know where he is to assure he doesn't get us royally screwed," Kakashi said. "We'll find him in a minute. What's the other question?"

"Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?"  
"UUUUhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnn…"

* * *

**EDGE OF A NEVADA DESERT AREA OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS**

**Unknown Desert**

**Friday, March 28****th****, 2008**

**11:00 A.M.**

**Nearest Undead: 20 Feet Away (Very High Danger Level)**

"WAIT! I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS BAIT!" Barrel wriggled so much as he was lowered out of the tree that his skull mask fell off and onto the ground.

The only girl among the threesome, up in the tree with the other boy, giggled cruelly. "What did you think bait meant?"

"I think the meat jacket is a little MUCH!" Barrel protested, referring to the vest made entirely of raw meat over the skeleton costume fitted over his short little body. "And I thought you were joking! You TRICKED ME and you KNOW IT!"

"You make it too easy!" Lock, dressed in a red devil costume (complete with a mask and freely moving tail) was also taking enjoyment of this, considering that he and Shock were a safe distance away from the stumbling zombie that was a little less than twenty feet away from Barrel, who was lowered near the ground from a lone desert tree by a rope.

The zombie was dressed in a red tank, cutoff blue jean shorts, and a frayed-at-the-edges straw hat. A mop of black hair hung into his eyes, which were glazed over and fixed only on his newfound source of food: Barrel. His sandals were scraping on the ground as he stumbled, uncoordinated. His arms - though paled - were not rotted, were held out in front of him in desperation to get to his prey as soon as possible.

"Oh, he's cute!" Shock gushed.

"Girls are weird!" Barrel said.

"And boys aren't?"

"Hey!" Lock broke in, pointing at Shock. "YOU have the crossbow! The zombies' right there! Shoot him in the head!"

"I KNOW where to shoot him, you idiot!"

"So do it already!"  
"SHUT UP!" She threw part of a cactus at him (which she must've picked up in the desert and had been carrying it around this entire time).

"Hey guys…" Barrel mumbled as the zombie's moan became louder, his stumbling feet a mere ten feet or so away from Barrel.

"OW! THAT HURT!" Lock yelled as his tail stuck out straight.

"Of course it HURT! That's why I threw a piece of cactus at you!"

When Barrel yelped after the zombie let out its loudest moan yet and stumbled forward, nearly getting a grip on Barrel, a crossbow stake lodged itself in the zombie's eye socket.

The straw hat clad zombie stopped dead in his tracks… for about two seconds. Then he moaned again and reached for Barrel.

"AAAGH!"

"Don't scream, I'm coming!" Shock shouted.

"You suck at it! I'll shoot it!" Lock grabbed from her and shot the zombie again, square in the back of the head. The zombie finally collapsed on the ground in a heap, joints pointed in sickening positions.

Shock scowled at Lock.

"Ha ha! I got him! And yooouuu didn't!"

Barrel snickered, still hanging from a rope in a meat jacket but being quite entertained by how Lock was riling up the only girl in the group, and possibly the most volatile member.

"You want to use this crossbow?" Shock calmly asked him.

Lock nodded, pointy red tail twitching madly in uneasiness at Shock's calm tenor.

"Then… _EAT IT!_" Shock jumped forward, grabbing Lock by the collar of his bright red shirt and tried to _shove the weapon down his throat_.

Barrel guffawed as the two fought. Eventually the rope snapped and Barrel collapsed to the ground with a 'thump', making a little dust cloud on the desert ground under him. He picked himself up without a problem, went over to the lone and wan-looking desert tree, began to climb up it, stumbled back down with a few rolls and another 'thud' when he was about halfway there, got up, and after another minute or so got his way fully up the tree.

"There's your first square meal today!" Shock looked triumphant and adjusted her authentic witch hat.  
"Crossbow-shaped! DIFFERENCE!" Lock insisted, out of breath.

"SHADDUP!"

"MAKE ME!"

"FINE, I WILL!"

"Hey, what's that?" Barrel interrupted, pointing in the distance.

About ten zombies had heard the kid-caused commotion and were stumbling and scraping their way, dead eyes void of all emotion and physical needs but hunger.

All three were silent for a minute as they observed their surroundings.

"That's creepy!" Lock put his red devil mask back on his white face.

"Should we reload that crossbow?" Barrel asked Shock.

"Wellllll, we're going to need to get it back first…" She looked at Lock. "Laaaaawwwwkkkk,"

"Nooooo…"

* * *

**CALIFORNIA**

**Grand Tetons**

**Friday, March 28th 2008**

**11:21 A.M.**

**Nearest Undead: 19.09 Miles Away (Danger Level: Low)**

Tohya Miho yawned and stretched her pale arms above her head and short violet hair. The black ribbons she had wrapped in her extensively long bangs were perfectly placed. She looked up at the young man standing above her with her small, constantly there smile and calm eyes. "I'm hungry,"

"So eat something," Jack Spicer was in no mood for Miho and her mental shenanigans. Normally the fact that there was a gothic girl who was in to messing with people's minds for fun would turn Jack on, but Miho was just weird. As was the… 'girl' she traveled with. Jack stuck a piece of beef jerky towards Miho.

"Thank you," Miho took the beef jerky but did not eat it. She just held it in her black glove-clad hand, resting it peacefully on her black jean miniskirt and black leggings (why she was wearing such a non-'roughing it' outfit when moving quickly through many terrains was the main detail of their days was beyond Miho's travel mates, but she could usually keep up).

"Does this cake belong to anyone?" Ping, Miho's cheerful companion who usually tried just a little too hard to lighten moods and get people to open up, bounced into the group, light gray pigtails reaching out; the pigtails themselves seemed to radiate enthusiasm just by the way they were tied up.

"No, Ping. You may eat it."

"Yayyy!" Ping bounced away.

"That was my cake…" Jack murmured after a few seconds of silence.

"Was it?"

"Excuse me, people!" Sokka entered their group. "No more talking about cake! What did we discuss yesterday?"

"Did it have something to do with kicking rocks at the book of your shoes?" Jack Spicer asked.

"You were kicking rocks at the back of my HEAD!"

"Was I?"

"ANYWAY…" he continued, glaring at Jack with the power of nine hells. "I said yesterday that mealtime is not for dawdling! It should be simple: eat and go. Okay? Please try to get into this mindset. To benefit us all. Thank you." Sokka trudged away from their little clearing in the humongous forest, staring at a map and comparing it to his surroundings, stepping dangerously near a ledge to look out into vast stretches of green leaves and red bark. Ping came up beside him, having already finished her cake, to keep him company and play with his boomerang.

This left Miho and Jack.

"Sooooooo…" Jack murmured as he sat down and began looking at the back of one of his famous 'Jackbots'. Though they were a constant source of ridicule, they had actually helped his newfound group out before, and despite the fact that they made fun of the robots, they had come to respect them, too. But the best Jackbot Jack had ever made, on a good day, the day after Jack would have saved the day with aforementioned Jackbots, would not save Jack from an awkward Miho moment. Or rather, awkward in his opinion. She always acted like things went her way. "Sooo, MIHO. What do you in your free time?"

"I run from zombies,"

"BEFORE that. I mean, _this_."

"I like to play,"

"Play what?"

"Ohhh…" Miho leaned back and rested her palms on the small boulder she was sitting on. "This and that."

"I see," Jack mumbled in response, pretending to get it.

"What did you like to do before this, Jack?"

"Work on robots. I'm good at it!"  
"And the paranormal?"

"Pardon?" _Is she talking about Wuya? _Jack briefly thought about the evil ghost who traveled with him for a while (and nagged him), but mainly wondered how Miho new who Wuya is.

"Miho-chan?" Ping came up to them. "Sokka-kun says it's time to go. He says we are almost at the edge of the forest! And he'll try to reach the town outside here by radio!" Ping and Miho were both Japanese. Miho could speak English for quite a while now. Ping, being an android ("Emotional Doll System", originally an accessory for the Playstation 2), was able to speak English only after she and Miho escaped, when Miho bought her an English memory chip.

"Pack it up, people! Chop-chop! Let's go!" Sokka ordered, clapping his hands and looking straight at Jack and his dismantled robot. "We may have finally found a town with life. If so, we have to get there as soon as possible. And-"

"Okay, we get it. Which way do we go?" Jack was all packed up in a matter of seconds.

Sokka, disappointed that his sensible leadership tangent was cut short, pointed in the general northeast direction. "That way."

Miho finally stood up. "Lead the way!"

"Right!" Sokka was always wary of her. Come to think of it, all three of the others gave him a creepy feeling inside, for different reasons. But it was better than traveling alone.

And so they hiked along, shadowed by absurdly tall Redwoods and dodging pretty spider webs. Sokka was the head of the awkward pack. He felt good, like an alpha dog. Ping followed a few feet behind, looking around the forest as she went, observing her surroundings in the form of racing numbers and codes, her advanced emotional system trying to figure out how to translate this into open emotion. Miho was just a few steps behind Ping. Miho took careful care of Ping; though she didn't admit to herself that she cared for Ping's existence, the fake girl was truly all she had left. Jack was a good ten feet behind Miho. He didn't mind and thought it was better the farther away he was from _Tohya_.

After about fifteen minutes of walking, Miho spoke up. "So, Sokka. Are you sure about this city you speak of?"

"Am I sure about it? No! Of course not! I have no way of knowing who's alive! Look, if it's infested with zombies, we'll leave and find a new city."

"You mean go _back_ into this forest?"

"No, we don't have to go back here!"

"What, then?"

Sokka half-turned his head to look at her. "We'll go _around _the zombie town. Okay?"

"Do you really believe that a town full of zombies wouldn't have spread a bit to the towns around it?" Miho fingered the ends of her hair but looked at Sokka.

"No! I'm saying it's worth a try, though. Less talking, more walking!"

She chose to ignore this last order. "What if we head straight into a zombie mob? What then, Sokka?"

He finally stopped but did fully turn around to face her. "Then we fight."

"And if we lose?"

Silence.

"And if we lose?" She reiterated. "What then?"

Before he could answer, Jack did. "Then _they_ win."

* * *


End file.
